Look out, Three Men and a Baby. The Ominous Knife crew’s here to up your ante! Even with Two and a Half Men, your Sheen/Gutenberg/Danson parenting capacity matches only…wait…let me do the fractions…

Okay, assuming that the two and a half men suggested that one half of a man was actually a child, the fraction would work out to be something like five guys and one kid vs. five-and-a-half guys vs. one-and-a-half kids. Assuming that the lowest common denominator in that equation is 3, we can posit that:

 

5|1 / (3|1 + 2.5/.5) = 15|3 / 11|3 =  1.3636363636363636363636363636363636363|1

 

So, the Ominous Knife guys win by a full third of a person, stretched out into infinity somehow.

 

Now assuming that we use the math we’re taught in grade school, we have to get the last number up to one, which would actually make the lowest common denominator 2, since:

 

5|1 / (3|1 +  2.5/.5) = 5|1 / 8|2

 

And then, since:

 

5|1 / 8|2 = 10|2 / 8|2 = 1.25

 

We win again! By a whole quarter of a human! That’s the earning power of a young Steve Gutenberg. In fact, let’s call this equation “The Gutenberg Principle.” If x / y + z, wherein x always rivals y, than x is always greater than y  + z.

 

Welcome back to school, kids!

Tags: Charlie Sheen, choke, school, Steve Gutenberg, Symbolic logic, Ted Danson, The Gutenberg Principle, Three Men and a Baby, Two and a Half Men

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