Dude, What if, Like, the Universe Was, Like, Ominous Questions?
November 25th, 2008Welcome to a very special Wednesday edition of Ominous Questions! We figured that with Kevin off panning for gold in the Appalachians, we’d give you readers a special treat. After all, why settle for pictures when you can have words!
Today’s question comes from someone whom we apparently don’t know, as “someone you don’t know” was the header in the email:
dear ominous questions i was watching this asthma commercial today and everything was neon, but what was odd is that the spokesperson (who i am assuming is female) Because of the long hair and voice but it was only a shadow i guess b/c her entire figure was black, not black like Calvin but black like shadow like Thedar’s soul. the odd thing was the rest of the world was in neon bright colors, which brings me to my question; are there black hole people and if so what is their culture? is asthma a significant problem for them and is the commercial appealing to that demographic? and if there are black hole people how could we hear her voice, would it not be sucked into herself? also the bright back ground how… This brings us to the broader question of commercials? if they cause me to question this much they have wasted my time can i appeal to the company who is responsible for the commercial to get that time back or if that is not possible to receive financial compensation for this wasted time? hang on i need to hit my inhaler. i wish my asthma was more controllable, why don’t they make medicine for this? and if they do why am i not informed about it? your website says that you update on Fridays i will check back them for my answer.
-dndnrd76
Calvin: What’s interesting about this question is that dndnrd76 talked about the asthma commercial, but made no reference to those iPod commercials. I mean, by this point I assumed it was common knowledge that shadow people live among us, stalking our nightmares and clogging our toilets.
Mick: He’s totally right, you know. The shadow people are a proud race. They’ve been at the forefront of technological and philosophical advancements for years; their country is the third largest producer of both bunk and trundle; all of their children are born bilingual; and I don’t know if any of that is true. But one fact still stands: those shadow asthmatics are probably from Hyrule.
Walt: That’s racist!
Victor: Stop saying that!
Calvin: And since they are shadow people, not black hole people, they don’t create a vortex in space/time. That’s why you can hear that girl’s voice. The black hole people are significantly more terrifying and less real.
Warren: Of course, there are also the dark matter people, but their existence has yet to be substantiated. However, if they’re real there’s a chance that you’re sitting on one right now.
Walt: That’s racist!
Victor: STOP SAYING THAT!
Mick: Then there are the quasar people. They’re not so much black as much as they just absorb light into themselves and turn it into some kind of magical energy. At least that’s what Final Fantasy has taught me.
Calvin: Yeah, but they still can’t top the black hole people. You know, if they really exist.
Walt: That’s racist!
Victor: I WILL END YOU!
Calvin: As for your question about asthma, let’s just say that it’s hard to breathe properly when your lungs are comprised entirely of an absence of light. Heck, it’s hard to do pretty much anything.
Warren: We had a PR department try to work on some kind of incorporeal inhaler, but that just ended in the creation of the neutron bomb. If you want to try to inhale something that will vaporize both your lungs and the ozone, then by all means feel free to join our lab rats out in the mojave desert.
Calvin: As for the broader question of commercials: sure, they totally wasted your time by exposing you to the bane of all shadow folk, but isn’t talking about having your time wasted just another waste of time? You could’ve spent that time talking about how awesome pie is. For the record, it’s mega-awesome.
Warren: And regarding a refund, I’m pretty sure you can get one if you complain in person. Flomax headquarters is located in the mojave desert. Maybe you should try there.
Walt: That’s racist!
Victor: THAT’S IT! PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION!
So, um…there you have it! Come back soon to see how we answer a question that man should never ask!
November 27th, 2008 at 1:12 am
PR department? Since when do people have their public relations department develope inhalers and bombs? What is the RD department doing, inventing new speeches to give to the public that Neutron bombs save more lives than they kill like air bags? WHO TRUSTS DUDES IN THE RD DEPARTMENT, GET YOUR DEPARTMENT TITLES RIGHT!
November 30th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Hey buddy, it’s Warren’s company. Apparently the R&D department works primarily on weaponizing things that are already weapons. Last year they developed a “super gun”, a gun which was capable of shooting MORE GUNS. The PR department works on making non-lethal things, and on covering up the massive explosions/meltdowns caused by the R&D department.