Those Two Are Like Perfect Strangers
Last night I was awoken by the sound of my phone ringing. Thinking it was an emergency I answered it without checking who was calling.
“Gibbs,” whispered the voice, “we gotta work something out.”
Not yet realizing whom it was I asked for further explanation.
“It’s me, Kevin. Look, I made a bad deal—” his voice suddenly cut off, then abruptly continued, “The Lithuanians are after me. The Russians too. The Yellow Cake was bad. It was bad, man!”
“What ‘Yellow Cake’?” I asked naively, as though I’d never heard of his backroom deals.
“The Yellow Cake, man! Turns out it was Angel Food Cake. Bad stuff, man, bad stuff.”
Kevin sounded like he’d been up all night, probably downing Amps and Raves and whatever other stupidly-named energy drinks he could get his hands on. He had a tendency to go completely overboard and stay up for days at a time, sometimes a week or more, fueled solely by sugar and bull bile. The problem is, no one talks about the side affects of Taurine: it makes a man crazy. We once saw a guy do the caterpillar for thirty-seven hours because of it. He probably would’ve kept going if his spine hadn’t snapped like a dried twig. I thought of all this as I waited for Kevin to get himself together and ask me for whatever favor he needed.
“Look man, I can’t make the appointment tomorrow. Those Lithuanians, they crazy, man. Said they were gonna chop off my toes. I NEED my TOES, man!”
“So, what do you want me to do?”
“I want you to put up my homeboy, man. He’s real cool-like. He don’t talk to the feds or nothin’. I need you to put him up for a few days, tops. He’s gonna give me the Yellow Cake. REAL Yellow Cake. Betty freakin’ CROCKER, baby!”
Kevin had a penchant for getting himself in over his head during his “deals”, but he always had his reserve men who were willing to cover for him when things got too dangerous. I asked if I’d be working with Brad “Drop it like it’s hot” Guigar or Steve “Not in my eyes” Colon.
“Naw, it’s a different dude, man. He’s cool. He’s mad cool. He used to run things on the east side. Guy by the name of Evan. He’ll take care of things.”
And that, dear readers, is how we got Evan Hodgins (of Of Noobs and Men fame) to contribute his awesome strip. At least, that’s how I figured it went. My other theory involved Kevin making a pact with Beelzebub, but I figured that was too…um…realistic.
December 25th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Sveiks… eh… hello. The Lithuanians down south of us outsourced this job to us. We’re just starting out. Got finished reading Radiologicals for Dummies book. It come already radiactive. No need for night light to read book.
You know where Kevin is? We and our friends want to wish him a Happy Christmas, Maybe he has some Zhyeltiye Pirog, Yellow Cake left. Is good? We promise not to break things up … too much. But, you know how things are, it might need clean up. Natasha’s got good crime…eh… party scene cleaning service. Leaves mints on pillows too.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:09 am
I’m not sure what would go into my eyes that I would be telling somebody to not put there.