Merry belated Christmas everyone! As a special treat, we have an Ominous Question! By the way, send in more Ominous Questions!
Today’s question is a very special treat for all you readers. As you already know, all questions posted are actually sent in by you guys, and all of them are appreciated. However, we recently received an email that requires an emailed response. We need to issue a single response, but we’re not all of the same mind as to what it should be. That’s where you come in: read the responses and choose which one we should send. The one with the most votes will be sent, and hey, maybe you’ll become a millionaire!
FROM THE CHAMBERS OF PETE BALMER
AMI FEDER & ASSOCIATES
LAMB BUILDING TEMPLE
UNITED BRITISH KINGDOM
Greetings My Friend,
I am Attorney Pete Balmer,of the Ami Feder
Chambers United British Kingdom.This mail is written
and intended to solicit your assistance to be
presented as NEXT OF KIN to my Late Client Dr Paul
My Deceased Client Dr Paul Becci, Left a Deposit
of Funds amounting to US $ 8,000,000.00 (Eight Million
us Dollars Only) with the bank and unfortunately lost
his life in a fatal accident sparing none of their
lives some years ago with no clear beneficiary as Next
of Kin except some vital documents related to the
Deposit which is still in my possession.
The Governing Body of the bank has contacted me on
this matter and I am yet to provide the Next of Kin to
lay claims to the Fund. Under a clear and legitimate
agreement with you, I shall seek your consent to be
presented as the Next of Kin so that my late Clients’
Fund will not be confiscated by the bank.For the sake
of transparency on this matter, you are free to make
immediate contact to me for further information
details related to this matter.Thank you so much for
your anticipated acceptance while I expect your prompt
Pete Balmer Esq.
Calvin: Dear Mr. Balmer,
Well unfortunately since coming back to America I haven’t opened a savings account, and considering that I am an outlaw from justice and a deportee in other places I have no account to speak of. I do, however, keep my money in a shoebox that I keep securely locked, though that claim is unsubstantiated since it is indeed a shoebox and therefore made from the requisite materials (i.e. cardboard). However, I would be happy to hold your money, transfer it to wherever it needs to go, and I’ll even do so for a mere 10%. I am a staunch advocate of small businesses and would very much like to see you invest the remaining 7.2 million dollars in an enterprise such as South Street cleaning services or perhaps Pat’s Cheesesteaks.
If you are interested please respond with an address and any additional information you can give me. And remember, make the check out to cash.
Warren: Dear Mr. Balmer,
As an enterprising young man I’ve come to understand that one cannot look a gift horse in the mouth, and as such I am willing to hand over whatever information you require in order to make your money become my money. All I ask in return is that you sign over your power of attorney to Paradigm Power Inc. in order to expedite the process.
Victor: Wait, Dr. Paul Becci’s dead? Now where will I get treatment for my wandering bladder?
Walt: Dear Jerkface,
Give me all of the money.
Smell ya later,
Mick: Dear Mr. Balmer,
I am saddened to hear of the loss of Dr. Becci, as he was a trusted mentor of mine as well as the founder of edible pants. However, I am happy to be his beneficiary, if it means inheriting his vast fortune. Before he passed, he told me the password to his account, so I will not need to send any information to you, and have no intention of doing so. Instead, I believe it would be in your best interest for you to send me your personal information, and I will transfer to you an amount to be determined later.
Well, that about wraps it up! Merry Christmas to all, and to all give us your money!