Making Kwanzaabot Proud
There are more than a few misconceptions about Kwanzaa, and as the only black guy most of you know I feel it’s my duty to clear up some things. Thus I present to you:
Why Kwanzaa Isn’t the Same As Indonesian Dragon-Ghost Day, By Chris Gibbs
I’ve decided to tackle a few of the more erroneous beliefs about Kwanzaa right away for two reasons: it will make you seem smarter at parties, and it will fulfill at least an hour of community service on my part.
1) Kwanzaa is not “Black People Christmas”
It really isn’t. Heck, it was created in the mid-sixties as a vehicle for cultural awareness. This isn’t a dissertation so I’ll spare you the details, but needless to say the temporal proximity of the two holidays is just as much coincidental as it is deliberate, especially when you consider that a winter Christmas is about as correct as a turd in a pant.
2) Black People do not, I repeat, do NOT turn into tigers during Kwanzaa.
If you believe this, you’re an idiot. Every knows we turn into panthers.
3) You cannot become a Black American by killing a Black American during Kwanzaa.
While it’s true that Kwanzaa signifies the beginning of our renewal cycle, you can’t take up a person’s life by killing them. Nor can you become a new person by wearing his/her skin. You CAN, however, inherit the magical energies emanating from a black person during this holiday. Of course, these are all but lost if you don’t already have the ability to talk to animals. Yeah, that’s right. We can totally do that. But only at night.
4) Kwanzaa Isn’t “Black People Hannuakah”.
Wait…people really think this?
Yikes.
5) Kwanzaa does indeed have a meaning.
It’s not just an awesome Scrabble word; it translates to “First Fruits” in Swahili. That’s pretty awesome considering that the seven days/tenets of Kwanzaa are all but unpronounceable to the English palette. Let’s take a look at my favorite: Kujichagulia. Yeah, try saying that aloud. If your tongue has any common sense, it will jump out of your mouth and choke you for even attempting to say that. It means “Self-Determination”, which is a trait that you must possess in order to even get the word out of your esophagus.
Well, that’s about it for Kwanzaa. Feel free to send in any Kwanzaa-related questions…or any questions at all, for that matter!
- Chris
January 6th, 2009 at 5:06 am
let me be the first to say “THAT’S RACIST!”
January 6th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I don’t even know how to respond to this….hilarious.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
i think i laughed more about the panda spider in the poster. that should be ominous knife’s first shirt! i’d totally get it
January 6th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Yes I agree with jurei. First T-Shirt with spider panda who has in bold letters across his chest “Cultural Awareness” I’d buy it.
January 6th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
BTW you should change your copyright to 2009……slackers.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I ask plenty of questions! Perhaps even pertinent ones! Like why do you have a link to the timing of Christmas but nothing for Kwaanzaa? I mean, we actually know something about why Christmas is in December. If you can think of a better way to convert the heathen than by appropriating their holidays, I’d like to hear it!
January 6th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Also, what does Calvin’s shirt say? Is it “Blanka wears Prada?” And lastly, how do I inherit the magic powers? Could you put me on your will, and, if necessary, die during Kwaanzaa? I’m not saying any time soon, mind you, but I definitely call fives on that one.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Now that I’ve went to wikipedia, are there etymological connections to imani (faith) in Kwanzaa and Islamic imam (faith)?
January 7th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
First, Kwanzaa is in December for much the same reason as Christmas, i.e. it’s piggybacking off of the mass apeal of a totally unrelated holiday. However, it’s also because of the whole “offering the first fruit of the harvest” thing, though it is a little late in regards to that. Also, Calvin’s shirt just says “Blanka Wear”, though your suggestion is pretty good. I’m still waiting to see the “Robot is the Future” shirt I bought him for Christmas.
As for imani, I believe it stems from a similar root word, though I can’t be certain. Given the diasporic qualities of African cultures, however, I’d say it’s likely. Please forgive me for that last sentence.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
There used to be a church around my way that was called Imani Fellowship or something like that and the slogan of their church, no joke and it was right under the name of the church in pretty script, was “Where Imani means faith”
I guess when you get asked something so many times, it becomes your slogan.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Quick, the ominous knife rights are up for grabs! To the capitalization mobile before we lose this $10 brand!
January 8th, 2009 at 1:13 am
Its like my triforce tattoo. My new slogan is “If you don’t know already, no amount of explaining is going to make it relevant to your life.” It’s a work in progress…
January 8th, 2009 at 8:16 am
I hate all of you.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Really???…Really???,,, that is the way that you want to go with that one???
Cultural awareness???… yeah?…
There is no such thing as culture so how can i be aware of it. Are you trying to get me to believe in the existence of a hopeless nothing? i feel that this is a plot to bring the universe to it’s knees.
You will be thwarted!
May 29th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
i once heard a girl say kwanzaa was jewish. and she’s half black.i wanted to punch her in her face, but i was at school…..maybe next time. oh and the name for every day of kwanza has a meaning, Imani is the only one that comes to mind, and that means Faith. I have i friend named imani…..