Playing House, Pt. 2
There are myriad enigmas in the realm of medical illnesses, most of which are accompanied by uncomfortable-sounding symptoms that have something to do with the nether regions. Doctors always try to counsel patients about the “warning signs” of serious illness, but it’s still not very comforting to know that if you’re sick, your bowels will erupt, possibly with blood. In fact, it kind of makes matters worse to know that. Heck, if poop explosions are only a part of the problem then I’d rather just pass out and die in the bathroom, joining such luminaries as Elvis Prestley in the proud tradition of leaving a bloated, semi-nude corpse for maids to discover.
Despite the terrible, terrible things that can happen to the human body while sick, there are a few that could help save your life, should you know what they mean:
- If you wake up one morning to find your pillow covered in blood, get yourself to a dentist (a.k.a. “mouth wizard”), because you probably bit your tongue off in your sleep.
- If the blood isn’t yours, relax. You’re not sick. You’re simply a werewolf.
- If you get a throbbing headache every Wednesday around 9 p.m., you’re probably watching Lost. Be sure to turn off the television immediately and douse yourself with Strunk and White’s Elements of Style.
- If you go to the bathroom at specific intervals every day, you are very sick and will probably die within a few months.
- If you find yourself craving tungsten, you are a robot. Alternatively, you may be a cylon.
- If you have shooting pains in your left arm, you’re about to have a heart attack. Get to a hospital immidiately. Okay, finish reading this, then go to the hospital.
- If the pains are in your right arm, then you suffer from what the medical community calls “reverse heart attack”. Your heart is moving so fast that it has actually moved other vital organs out of the way in an attempt to start a breakdancing circle. Luckily this has only happened to two people over the course of history.
We here at Ominous Knife are neither doctors, nor are we sane. Heck, we’re not even doctors. But we hope that these tips will help some of you stave off death just long enough to be torn to shreds by the space beasts coming in the year 2012.
- Chris
February 3rd, 2009 at 2:23 am
Ooooooooo I can’t wait till next week. It could be the first character death on ominous knife! Wow what a twist; just when you think things are slowing down and……BAM…. right in the kisser with plot. That’s Ominous Knife for ya boys!!! Keep it up!
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:24 am
The cure for a reverse heart attack, if you’re wondering, is playing loud techno. This gives a beat for the heart for follow. Be sure to pick something with an appropiate beat, otherwise you can cause your heart to explode out of exhaustion.
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Space lycanthropy and sleep crime are not funny, asshole! My grandfather suffered from them for years.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 pm
From window the looks of window like Walt’s got a blow out fracture, too. Maybe he took a foosball figure to the eye?
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Window 3, I meant.
February 5th, 2009 at 12:44 am
man i can’t wait for 2012: Space lycanthropy, i’m totally taking their side. though ben and i have talked about the possibility of space vampires….hmmm, decisions decisions. new slogan for obama’s re-election campaign in 2012: “Yes, we lyCAN!” any takers?
February 9th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
That’s VERY offensive Mr., jurei? is it?. Yes, associating a historic president with a growling horror stalking in the night, forcing the world to adopt wolf-pack tactics as an alfa-male gathering his fold to strike those who “have not” the blood of the king? Disgraceful sir, absolutly disgraceful.