Are You There, God? It’s Me, Ominous Questions

August 19th, 2009

What up, Ominous Family? I’ll be honest with you: today’s question is going to make some people upset, which is why it took me so long to post it. Also, I’m very, very lazy. Before I reveal it, I’d just like to assure you that neither myself nor Kevin wrote this crazy thing, so if you’re mad you have no one to blame but Hurley Gale, whose initials are HG, which is the chemical symbol for Mercury. So if you’re mad, blame the fleet-footed messenger of the gods. Or the closest planet to the sun. Yeah, blame that one.

To whom it may concern,

Last week you ran a comic bashing one of television’s worst “dramas”; Lost.

I salute you for this.  Talk about one of the most overrated peaces of crap to ever hit the small screen.  Thank goodness you have the guts to take a stand.

Still, I could not believe some of the backlash you received for your bold move.  That is why I would like to aid you in this ominous question by writing it in the form of a Lost story structure:

Dear Ominous Knife,

My name is Hurley Gale (or is it?!), and I am a long time fan of Ominous Knife (or am I secretly planning to kill you?!).

Let me tell you a little about myself.  See, it turns out I actually used to live in the same mental institution that Calvin did, even though he doesn’t remember me.  But don’t worry, I’ll be killed off before we figure out how I got there.  We will NEVER have that twist explained. 

I also may have been the one who sold Kevin his first artist book, thus securing his place as a cartoonist.  But again, I may be killed off so we won’t worry about how I got there either.  The important thing for you to know now is that I like comics.  In fact whenever I read a comic, the polar bears in it come to life.  How did I get that ability?  That may be explained in this letter, but probably not. 

Did I mention that I used to be a very confident atheist who did not believe in anything spiritual.  But because my fiancee broke up with me, I decided there was an island god and that I needed to convince her to come see it with me…IN THE PAST!

Now, I’m sure at this point you’d like me to ask you a question, but the truth is I’ve already asked it.  I’m sure you haven’t figured out what that question was, but it’s there in my statements.  You just have to look closer.  I know you’re searching for answers, and I’d like to give them to you, but you’re just not ready.  The important thing for you to do now is just have patience.  Let the question speak for itself.

You’re a webcomic, so let me put this in a way you can understand.  Try to imagine a very large website, full of wonders and search engines beyond your wildest dreams.  And imagine that whatever webstring you searched for, when you hit the “go” button, the answer would be right there.  I’m speaking figuratively of course, but I’d like to show you you what came out of that search. 

Oh, and in order to find the question that I asked you in the letter, you’ll have to start figuring out not where the question is…but when.


Hurley Gale

Calvin: This is like, the easiest Ominous Question ever. His question was basically, “where’s the question?” The question is right here:

My name is Hurley Gale (or is it?!)


Walt: You know what? We’re just gonna leave this one here…let it simmer. No answer will be sufficient. And yet…all answers will suffice.

Okay, that’s enough of that. Stay tuned to Ominous Knife, because we have questions and stuff! Lots of stuff! LOVE ME!

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